Steve Jobs on iPhone 4 Antenna: Hold It Right

I'm Walt Musberg! Shut up! There's been a lot of talk about the iPhone 4, the best iPhone that Apple's yet produced, and while the vast majority of it has been fantastically positive, there have been some unfair criticisms of it, including that some screens have a sickly yellow discoloration, that the glass is prone to scratching and breaking, and that the phone loses a lot of reception when you hold it. To counter these scurrilous accusations, I've got both Steve Jobs and Apple designer Johnny Ive with me today. Thanks for joining me, gentlemen. Hey, your name should be Harold.

Let me just say, right off the bat, that the people who are saying they have problems with reception when you hold the phone are idiots. How can you not know how to hold a phone? Who are these people, Helen Keller? People are pointing out that the way you're telling people not to hold it is the way that the phone is being held in all of your product shots, and also how you held it when you announced it. Are you kidding me? Obviously you shouldn't hold it the same way I do. I'm a CEO. It's retarded. It's ignorant, is what it is. Do we need to draw these people a diagram? Seriously, this is the most well-designed thing ever, and people want us to tell them how to use it? Well, let me tell you something. If they don't understand immediately how to use it, then we don't want your business. Yeah, but that doesn't mean we're going to give them their money back. No, of course not. That'd be stupid.

We'll keep their money, and they'll still be in a contract. But they can't use the phone. Ever. You hear me? If you have a problem with the phone, keep paying, but stop using. I want to take a step back for a moment and congratulate you on the phone's design. Johnny, it's probably your best work ever. Thank you. What we started to do was to create a new iPhone, an evolution in the iPhone space, which we dominate. One of the goals when designing this magical new phone was to create something so beautiful that it would make you cry because it has no genitalia that you can fondle and have sex with. You've succeeded. I've gone through a box of tissues every day since I got the iPhone 4.

Thank you. It's very nice of you to say... What about the issues people are having with discoloured screens? Oh, it's a total non-issue, Milt. Anyone who says otherwise can shove their dick up their ass. The discolouration goes away after a few days. Steve's right. When we designed the magical new iPhone 4, we wanted to create something that really felt for the first time like real, actual magic. The kind you see a wizard do. And so when we made the phone, which is magical, we tried to figure out what the most magical thing that the phone should be able to do, and we realised magically, that if we could make a phone that could fix its own issues magically, well, that would be a magical phone.

That's breathtaking. What about the complaints about the new screen not being as tough as you say it is? Okay, first, the people reporting that their glass is breaking are liars. I'll say that straight out. They're liars, they probably have daddy issues, and they're projecting their issues onto me, and pretending there's a defect when there's not. Second, both of these issues are solved by one of our magically revolutionary bumpers, which at a price of $29 is completely reasonable when you consider that it makes your phone function the way we say it should. Or, you know, just don't drop your phone. $29 for a functioning iPhone seems like a fantastic deal to me. I didn't send these issues that people are having because with the reception, I don't... Some people hold their phones, but I don't.

Mine sits on a rotating lucite shelf suspended two feet above the floor in the centre of my office so I can stare at the magical phone and masturbate while thinking about its magical properties, right, and occasionally play a game of Trainyard or make a phone call. Look, you don't go into the Louvre and expect to touch the Mona Lisa, do you? That'd be idiotic! Yeah, yeah, it's strange, and even if you did touch the Mona Lisa, you wouldn't think that if you had your fat non-magical thumb over it that you'd still be able to see the whole painting. Right? I mean, that's just common sense, isn't it? Common sense isn't in short supply these days, Johnny. It makes me sad, Steve, but you're right. It is. Well, thank you for your time, gentlemen. I think this will put these issues to rest.

If it doesn't, I'm kicking your ass. Thanks for your time, Harold. It was magical. Oof! It's been Walt Mossberg! Shut up!